Alright, alright, I know it's been a long time and my public has been waiting, but for whatever reason I either couldn't think of anything to write or just couldn't be bothered - or both. The inspiration for this comes from my friend's latest blog post (that makes it sound like she's the only friend I have, doesn't it?), situated here: qwengst.livejournal.com/ I couldn't think of a damn thing to write, so I picked that - and I can't write about random BS (can I swear on here? Does it make my blog PG if I do?) like cats sitting in trees with frogs or whatever other weird stuff they do on LJ. No; when I write anything it has to be about a relevant and profound topic, which is why I am now going to knock, slag and thoroughly charcoal-burn the fangirly Twilight series and the whole 'romantic vampire' culture that has spawned it. Am I jumping on a bandwagon? Probably. Is it fun to jump on bandwagons? Hell yeah. ^_^

Now, before I start: NO, I HAVE NOT READ EVEN ONE BOOK OF THE TWILIGHT SERIES. However, if you're gonna use that single fact to dismiss anything I might say below, then I counterargue that you're being unreasonable, reactionary and prejudiced. Just because I haven't read the series and don't 'get' (huge air-quotes) it in the same heartfelt way as you do, and I don't 'GET' (even bigger air-quotes) exactly why Edward is sexy (and worthy of ravishing me in my lonely bedroom in the middle of the night in some teenage schoolgirl fantasy), that does not mean that I am therefore unqualified to comment on this topic. I'm a student of English Literature and a writer in my spare time, beotches (that's a euphemism, not an actual swearword, so I can use it... I think), so I think I am entitled to theorise on why the Twilight series doesn't deserve the praise it has got.

Yes, that's right: it deserves some praise. However, the way that its popularity has recently spiralled out of control a la Harry Potter is, quite frankly, obscene. How do I know this? For a start, I have heard about it. Take pause and think about this for a moment. I do not consider myself at all 'hip' with anything that's going in any scene (except perhaps nerdy stuff and videogaming, but that don't apply here), so for any cultural phenomena to pervade so far through our society that it actually reaches my ears means it must have quite an insidious grip on the zeitgeist of today (for those who don't know what that word means: go look it up).

'But why,' you ask, 'do you loathe Twilight so?' Unless of course you're a rabid fangirl, in which case you've either switched to another webpage in disgust or are now systematically planning my painful and humiliating assassination. Well, I have several reasons, which I shall discuss (for your benefit - don't say I never did you any favours) in point form below, split up with shiny dividers of my own devising that look like this: -x-

Number One.

I find it rather disturbing that a book which is so obviously sexist could possibly have such a large female following (don't argue with me on this point: every single person I have heard talking about it was most incontrovertibly a girl... except myself, but then I was the sole voice against). I mean, think about it: it just couldn't be the girl who was the vampire, could it?

Imagine the situation: Stephenie Meyer (yay, Wikipedia) goes to the publishers with the idea for a story in which a shy boy moves to a new town and there meets a vampire girl taken from his deepest, darkest, romantic-est dreams who then sweeps him off his feet with her forbidden/cursed/dark/evil/misunderstood-type powers. What happens next?

The publishers would instantly kick her out of the building without so much as a second look. She would be branded a rabid feminist and ordered to go home and slave away in the kitchen where she belongs and learn her proper place in society as a weakling female.

However, Ms Meyer was smarter than that. Oh yes. She realised that the best way to get a book published as a female author was by tipping her cap to the establishment and writing the male as the dominant partner. But then, that's the whole point, is it not? That's why this series is so adored by fangirls everywhere: because it tells them what they want to hear. Whatever these fangirls may say, below the surface the story is quite a different one. They have been indoctrinated by the dominant ideology of today's society, accepting at an unconscious level that their only true purpose is to serve as baby factories and household slaves for the patriarchal hegemony.

Alright, so Bella's not the vampire, but Meyer could at least have redeemed herself by giving Bella a few dominant traits which might make her, if not dominant, then at least Edward's romantic equal. But no. Bella is an absolute milksop. She's shy, passive, subservient and, let's face it - PATHETIC. What a vampire could possibly see in a weakling human like her I have no idea...



What happened to the good ol' days of vampirism, eh? The days when it was perfectly cool for vampires to rip out people's throats and treat humans with the impunity normally accorded to toys. Unfortunately, it would appear that the heyday of vampires is past: nowadays all people seem to want to hear about is the new, squeaky-clean version of vampires, tailor-made to be acceptable to today's audience. How completely and utterly BORING.

Stephanie Meyer says that the apple on the cover of the actual Twilight novel (as opposed to the series) is symbolic of the forbidden fruit that is the relationship between Bella and Edward.

...

Sorry about the gap: I had to be rushed to hospital due to a suspected busted gut after laughing at that statement. On the scale of evil fictional characters, Edward rests somewhere between Jesus and, let's say, Bambi. He is about as intimidating as a baby wearing a vampire-bat babygro. The old-school vampires like Dracula and Nosferatu wouldn't be seen undead around Edward. I think you get the point I make.

May I just ask: WHAT IS THE *POINT* OF A *VEGETARIAN* VAMPIRE?! That's bullshit! He wears BEIGE, for fuck's sake! (Yeah, I swore - so sue me.) Ms. Meyer has managed to single-handedly wipe out everything at all cool or dramatic about the vampire. They used to suck the blood of gorgeous virgins and wear awesome black capes. Now they suck the blood of flatulent farmyard animals and wear turtlenecks. Alright, so they feed on bears and wolves, but that's still really sad: like a druggie stating proudly to his fellow crackheads that he got high on caffeine last night.

Edward Cullen does not deserve the right to call himself a vampire. Alright, so he was born a vampire and wants no part of their dark heritage, which I suppose is understandable, but then at least, at the very least, he could use his powers for good, like so many other otherwise dark and tormented superbeings have done in the past (Blade springs to mind, for some reason...). Instead, poor old Eddy is having the same troubles as any human adolescent male, whining about his angst to a clingy girlfriend instead of coming to terms with his identity as a reformed vampire and turning his powers intended for evil to a new, better cause. If you're gonna defy your evil side, then go all the way: don't waste your time vacillating in the middle. There's nothing powerful, dynamic or, when you get right down to it, sexy about Ms. Meyer's vampires. Yes, so he can stop a van with one hand, but then Edward is also prey to having his legs turned to jelly the first time he sees his future squeeze (with whom he is gonna settle down and marry and have a big happy family with LOTS of children). I must be forced to end this part in a familiar format: what the fangirls see in these new romantic vampires is completely lost on me.

The Trilogy-Maker

However, the thing that really infuriates me about what would otherwise be a mundane and little-known fangirl novel is that it has become so astoundingly popular. Yes, I am aware of the irony present in me writing about how much I hate the popularity of something and in the very same act contributing to its insidious invasion into the hearts and minds of our people.

I suppose you could say, as an aspiring novelist, I'm jealous of Ms. Meyer's success and hate her guts because of it (she's next on my hitlist right after J. K. Rollinginit). You could even say that I hate the books because I'm afraid that, should I read them, I will have my heart broken when Ms. Meyer writes a sequel so abysmally awful that it reduces the series from just stinking a bit to the Realms of Ultimate Sucktitude, much as Rowling did to Harry Potter. (By the way, for all those who ever wondered, the 'J. K.' part of her name stands for 'Just Kidding', as in: 'OH TEH NO3Z! DUMBLEDORE'S DEAD! - J. K.')

You could say all (well, both) these things, and you'd be absolutely right. And that, ultimately, is the real reason why I hate authors of her ilk. Alright, so she wrote a tolerably good story - tolerably. However, here I am, coming up with all these wizard ideas for stories, and lacking the single thing that Meyer has which I don't: the discipline to sit down and actually finish writing a novel.

And so the layers unfurl... You probably thought my ultimate reason for hating the series was gonna be something profound and greatly insightful; some deep and astute indictment of society today, didn't you? Well, if you did, you're wrong. Basically, it comes down to me wanting to be rich and famous for having my novels made into wildly successful movies, and when I become famous I'm gonna look back down at you puny people writing jealous criticisms of my work and LAAAAUUUUGH my ass off.

Writing this has filled me with hate. Think I might go and put on my turtleneck...